


Episode 42: Meap Me in St. Louis

by cresselia8themoon



Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: Antagonistic species, Complete, F/M, Gen, It ain't a Meap episode unless you have Phineas being oblivious, Light Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-17
Updated: 2018-08-02
Packaged: 2019-04-01 10:36:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13996452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cresselia8themoon/pseuds/cresselia8themoon
Summary: Candace is kidnapped by none other than...Meap? What is Jerry the Platypus doing here? And why is this playing out like a trashy soap opera with the whole revenge plot?Oh, and it's Buford's birthday too, but we got more pressing matters to deal with.





	1. Part 1: THE MEAPENING

**Author's Note:**

> A LONG TIME AGO,
> 
> PROBABLY A WEEK BUT THAT’S STILL KIND OF A LONG TIME, 
> 
> A WRITER DECIDED TO UNDERGO THE TASK OF GATHERING ALL SEEMINGLY UNRELATED SCENES FROM THIS TRAILER AND PUT THEM INTO A COHERENT STORY BECAUSE THE PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY GET PAID FOR THIS STUFF HAVE NO INTENTIONS OF MAKING THIS AN ACTUAL EPISODE. 
> 
> JUST PRETEND THERE’S AN EPIC STAR WARS-ESQUE FANFARE HERE. I DON’T HAVE A TEAM OF SOUND EDITORS AND AN ORCHESTRA FOR AWESOME BACKGROUND MUSIC. 
> 
> AND NOW I PRESENT 
> 
> THE CHRONICLES OF MEAP
> 
> EPISODE 42: MEAP ME IN ST. LOUIS
> 
> PART 1: THE MEAPENING

_Location: Space, the Milky Way Galaxy. Approaching Asteroid Belt at Warp Drive 2._

Meap jerked the wheel to the left, barely avoiding a large asteroid which threatened to crash through one of the side engines. His tricked-out ship could withstand any kind of G-force, meteor showers, and the occasional laser blast from evil galactic overlords, but he wasn’t taking any risks. Unfortunately, the nearest aliens were the Martians, who were infamous for being one of the more primitive races of the universe, since they tended to break any kind of technology that came their way. 

He checked the rearview mirror, smirking when Mitch’s large and clunky ship got pelted with space rock after space rock. It would give Meap plenty of time to get to Earth without being followed. 

Clearing the Asteroid Belt was a cinch. As he passed by Phobos, he noticed a purple ship with its hood popped open on the rocky surface. A rather peculiar looking fellow with green, mottled skin and horns held up a sign that said ‘HELP. NEED REPAIR’. 

Meap instinctively recoiled, a normal reaction for his species when they saw something irreparably ugly. But as an Intergalactic Security Agent, it was his job to help the denizens of outer space regardless of species. He pulled out his favorite translator mustache, the black one that made him sound like Lorenzo Lamas. He parked his ship and hopped out, waving to the strange fellow. 

“Hello!” Meap said, holding out his hand in greeting. “My name is Meap, Intergalactic Security Agent, S rank. What seems to be the trouble today?” 

The strange alien’s pink eye bulged out toward him, while the blue scrutinized him closely. He didn’t shake his hand. “Broken,” he rasped. “Throw it away.” 

Meap leaned over the exposed engine, examining several of the close wires. “Don’t be so dramatic, friend!” he said, attaching the wires to their correct outlets. “Your wires just got knocked loose. It’s a common problem with ship models from the Cygnus cluster. How about I give you the coordinates to Dave’s repair shop? Real good guy, prices aren’t bad either. He deals with stuff like this all the time-” 

A shadow fell across him just as he turned around. A slimy, pink appendage was the last thing he saw before his vision faded to black. 

“You took her,” the raspy voice said. “Now you will be thrown away too.” 

* * *

 

_Now entering Earth’s atmosphere. Autopilot set to land on North American continent. Target: The Flynn-Fletcher family._

“Happy birthday even though this song is copyrighted and we could get sued if we sang it the proper way on this show, happy birthday to you!”

Buford inhaled deeply, then blew out the candles in one powerful breath. “I totally meant to do that,” he said, laughing when all the frosting and candles stuck to Baljeet’s face from the sheer force of it. 

Baljeet grabbed a towel, glaring at Buford as he wiped the mess out of his hair. “Of course you did.” 

“C’mon, just hurry up and stuff your faces with cake already. I wanna get to the presents,” Buford gestured to the pile of gift boxes that overflowed one of the tables. 

“Oh, Buford,” Isabella sighed. “It’s not about the presents.” 

“Yadda, yadda, friends and family,” Buford rolled his eyes. “Could we save the afterschool special talk for when it’s not my birthday? You guys are killing me with the sap.”

“But the presents are a bonus,” Ferb sagely added. 

Phineas took a large bite of his chocolate cake, grinning widely. “Don’t let Mom’s cake go stale, you guys! Dig in!” 

Candace and Jeremy sat under the shade of the tree, completely absorbed in their own little world. “So yeah, that’s how I managed to fix the fryer with nothing but an empty ketchup packet and thumbtack,” Jeremy finished. 

She laughed. “I’ll keep that in mind next time I need to fix a fryer and I can’t immediately call my brothers for a quick fix.” 

“Jeremy!” a cute, bubbly voice squealed. “Kiss it! Kiss it better!”

Candace winced away when little Suzy ran up to her older brother, holding out her finger, which was streaked with red. Suzy not-so-subtly planted herself between them, her shoes digging into Candace’s exposed knee. It took all of her self-control to not cry out in pain. 

Gently setting Suzy on his lap, Jeremy leaned down and placed a large kiss on her finger. “Can’t have my favorite little girl getting hurt. How does it feel now?” 

Suzy giggled. “Much better! Thank you!” 

The scene would’ve been so much cuter if Suzy had actually cut her finger instead of scribbling red marker over her skin. 

“Suzy, drink something before you run off and play,” Jeremy said, handing her a cup of fruit punch. Suzy smiled sweetly at him before taking a sip. She took a step forward, then shrieked as she suddenly tripped and fell on her stomach. 

Candace yelped, unable to avoid the splash of fruit punch that soaked her face and part of her blouse. She was incredibly thankful her skirt hadn’t been in the line of fire. 

“Suzy? Are you hurt?” Jeremy quickly asked, his eyebrows raised in worry. “Sorry, Candace. I can grab you a towel if you want.” 

The opening of the cup was suspiciously tilted towards Candace, and he didn’t even notice. The thought of being left with Suzy made her shiver. 

Candace waved him off. “It’s...it’s fine,” she breathed, covering the wet part of the fabric with her arms “I’ll just go change and dry off myself. No problem here.” 

Jeremy glanced at his little sister. Her expression instantly changed from a malicious smirk into an adorable guilty face with watery eyes that were way too large for Candace’s liking. “Suzy, what do you say?” he prompted. 

“Sorry!” Suzy squeaked.

“Yeah, it’s cool,” Candace forced a smile, which quickly disappeared as she walked back into the house. The chatter died away as the kids watched her close the sliding door. 

It wasn’t fair _,_ Candace thought sourly as she stormed up the stairs. Suzy was absolutely determined to keep her away from Jeremy at all costs, always ruining the moment, and humiliating her at every turn. At this point, Candace was convinced that Suzy was actually a criminal mastermind who got plastic surgery to look like a child because no police force on the planet would ever dare to arrest a four year old girl. 

She considered talking to Jeremy and his parents, but they would probably refuse to believe her and she would be forbidden to date Jeremy ever again.

“That’s rich,” Candace muttered angrily. “’Hey, Mrs. Johnson. Your beloved little girl is actually a psychopath who needs to be institutionalized before she murders me in my sleep with a hair tie and teddy bear. Maybe you should watch her because she is the living example of appearances are deceiving’. Great. It sounds stupid in my head. It sounds even stupider out loud. Sometimes I just want to stuff those stupid pigtails down a garbage can.” 

She changed into an identical red shirt and washed her face, sighing when she finally deemed herself presentable again. 

“Hey, Candace!” Phineas exclaimed the moment she walked outside, pointing excitedly at a familiar spaceship that had definitely not been there when she’d left. “Look who else showed up! I don’t think Buford and Baljeet have met Meap yet. Boy, are you gonna love him!” 

“Isn’t that the-” Baljeet instantly quieted when Buford shook his fist. 

“We had an agreement, don’t say anything about that time!” he growled. 

Baljeet crossed his arms. “Momentary lapse in judgment, I apologize. There is no need for threatening hand gestures.” 

The ship door opened, and Meap climbed out. “Can we keep him?” Suzy shouted, breaking the stunned silence. 

Jeremy chuckled. “Sorry, I don’t want competition for the cutest critter in the house.” Suzy beamed at that, then cocked her eyebrow at Candace in a silent ‘take that, pencil-neck’. 

Candace tore her gaze away from Suzy and focused on Meap instead, wondering why he hadn’t pulled out his translator mustache yet. He had a half-lidded, bored expression on his face. 

As he was walking towards them, his ship suddenly exploded. 

However, explosions were common sights in Danville, so nobody batted an eye at that. 

She felt like something was off, but couldn’t put her finger on it. 

“Meap! You came just in time!” Phineas exclaimed, rushing forward to shake Meap’s hand. The alien didn’t return his enthusiasm. “You’ve never met Buford, Baljeet, Jeremy, and Suzy, so here they are! It’s Buford’s birthday too, typically it’s Earth custom to give one a gift on birthdays, but you didn’t know so that’s cool-” 

Buford sniffed. “No, it’s not.” 

“Meap, are you feeling okay?” Isabella asked. “You look kinda sick.” 

Meap ignored her, stopping when he was in front of Candace. “You are my creator,” he spoke. “And you have thrown me away. Now it is your turn to be trash.” 

Candace raised an eyebrow. “Look, is this payback for me thinking you were a stuffed animal the first time we met? Cause I’m not following.” 

“Precisely,” Meap rasped. “Jerry the Platypus, the sleeping agent.” 

“Jerry the Platypus?” Candace asked, confused. A fat, dopey platypus in a fedora wiggled his fingers at them. Then he fell flat on his face, a loud snore escaping him. 

Meap’s eye twitched. “Excuse me for a moment.” He stalked over to Jerry, lifting him by the neck in a surprising feat of strength. “I did not mean you when I said ‘sleeping agent’.” 

“Why does he look like Perry?” Phineas asked. 

“And Meap needs a tool to speak our language. Usually with a regional dialect,” Isabella added. “And what did he mean when he said Candace threw him away?” 

Buford huffed. “First, leave the dunking people into trash cans to actual bullies. Second, can I open my presents now?” 

“I’ve never dunked anyone in a garbage can!” Candace threw up her hands in exasperation. “I’m just as lost as the rest of you!” 

“My deepest apologies about the wait,” Meap said, holding out a cylindrical container. “This body does not have a nose so I shall go unaffected.” He twisted the ends, releasing a sweet-smelling gas, which quickly covered the backyard.

Baljeet collapsed first, followed by Suzy, then Isabella succumbed. 

Candace coughed, then quickly held her breath to avoid breathing it in. It didn’t work, and she swayed on her feet. 

“Must...open...presents....” she heard Barney say. Or was it Bollock? Benny? The gas must’ve been affecting her mind. 

Her eyelids drooped shut just as she caught a glimpse of her brothers struggling to breathe. She reached out-was her arm moving at all? Then everything faded into blissful silence. 

* * *

 

“Then I will marry her. After that, she will be disposed of.” The alien didn’t have the hands or fingers necessary to tent his stubby arms together, but he was doing the equivalent for his species. 

And he was more mysterious with the black spinning office chair. Staring into the void and contemplating his meaningless existence was far easier than dealing with his subordinates. 

The two minions in his office saluted. 

“And have you contacted the other one? She is currently with Candace’s friend,” the alien asked. 

“Uh, she’s not interested, boss,” one of the minions stammered. 

“WHAT?” he screeched, his stubby limbs completely useless in whipping the chair around to face the minions. “Ugh, this chair is rubbish too. Get me a new one!” 

They scurried off, tripping over themselves in an attempt to get away from their boss’s wrath. 

“Waste. All of them,” he muttered. “What is she doing that’s so important anyway?” 

* * *

 

“Bunny-Bear, who was that?” Stacy asked as she laid two of her shirts on the bed. 

Bunny-Bear dropped the phone and inspected a shirt carefully, “Like, a bunch of lame-o’s. Now girl, if you go with the calm ocean blue that oozes coolness, but the tsunami blue screams wild and rocking that bod. It’s, like, your choice.” 

Stacy glanced at the blue shirts that were no different from the rest of her everyday clothes, then picked up the one that was apparently calm ocean blue. “You are the best fashion consultant ever.” 

“Tell it to my agent.” 

* * *

 

“How’s that Candace tracker working?” Jeremy called, bouncing Suzy on his knee as the group waited impatiently. 

Phineas gave his handheld device a light smack. “Yeah, the cuteness tracker has never been one of our more reliable inventions,” he admitted. “The program Ferb installed to block the interference from Isabella’s cuteness isn’t working anymore. Maybe we need an additional formula to block Suzy’s as well.” 

Suzy giggled brightly. 

Isabella sighed dreamily, her hands clasped against her head. “You really think I’m cute and not just because I weaponized it against Mitch?” 

“Well, your signal was a lot stronger than even an entire cuteness-based planet,” Phineas shrugged. “I never meant that the readings were entirely unreliable.” 

“Well, it’s not given in the most conventional way, but I’ll take it,” Isabella declared. 

“So we headin’ off now? Cause I haven’t been paying attention since we woke up from that sleeping gas thing,” Buford asked as he ripped open another present. “Oh sweet, a baseball bat! This’ll be useful for wherever we’re going.” 

Baljeet was dangling by his overalls from a tree branch, so Ferb handed him the equations to look over. “Why did I give him a bungee cord...should’ve made it a gift card,” he muttered. “Anyway, you could easily block out 76% of the cuteness emitted from fluffy puppies and kittens if you replaced the square root of three over unicorn with 4p, p standing for pastel.” 

Ferb nodded and adjusted the equation, then showed it to Phineas. He quickly plugged it into the system. 

“Guys, we got it!” Phineas shouted. “Meap’s on course to St. Louis! And he’s got Candace with him! But not Jerry the Platypus, guess he forgot him.” 

The group glanced at the pudgy monotreme, who hadn’t noticed that he’d been left behind. Isabella helpfully grabbed him a slice of cake. It would probably tie him over until they got back and figured out what they could do with him. Jerry dug in once the plate was in his hands. 

“Eh, I’m sure Perry will get along with him just fine,” Phineas said. “Speaking of which, hey-”

“Where’s Perry?” Suzy cut in. She cutely rocked on her heels. 

“Suzy, I know you were excited to have your turn, but interrupting people is rude. What do you say?” Jeremy gently scolded.  

“Sorry!” Suzy chirped. 

Phineas smiled. “Hey, no worries. Anyways, we’d better rig a teleporter so we can get to St. Louis. Which is kind of a strange place to choose a hideout. I was so certain we were going into space again.” 

* * *

 

_Doofenshmirtz on the St. Louis bus system!_

“Yes, I’m just a guy who’s a sucker for the sounds of mass transit!” Heinz sang, a little too loudly. Perry looked around, but nobody was showing signs of wanting to throw them off the bus and slapping a lifetime ban on top of the humiliation. “What, you don’t know that song? C’mon, Love Handel released this single after their bus turned over in Albuquerque back in ‘93! It perfectly describes the frustrations and weird things that happen when you take public transportation at odd times of the day. You should give it a listen sometime.” 

* * *

 

“Okay, okay. No need to shove me. Or lightly tapping me, in your case. I can walk.” Candace carefully nudged Meap off her leg and pushed the child safety gate open, which apparently led to the mastermind of the entire operation. 

Honestly, she was so much more irate at her phone being nothing but a smoking hunk of silicon and sparkly rainbow goop, courtesy of Meap. Her mom was not going to be happy about this. 

“Sit down, Candace Flynn,” the figure in the office chair rasped. 

Candace rolled her eyes as she obliged his request. Couldn’t she have been kidnapped by someone with a little more originality? 

“So, you’ve been living the good life. Without a regard for those you’ve tossed aside.” 

She shrugged. “Meh, I’ve been pretty unsuccessful at busting all summer. I don’t know if that qualifies as your definition for a good life. So, how do you know my name?” 

“I see you’ve already forgotten. Very well. You already know me as-agh, this chair deserves the furnace more than the other one!” 

Candace pitied him. She truly did. 

“I can’t do a dramatic reveal cause my limbs don’t have the length needed for this. Do you mind turning me around?” 

Candace spun the chair around, gasping when she recognizing the ugly,  mottled lovechild of a cow and frog. 

“IT IS I, SEÑOR FRAWG! MWAHAHAHA!” he cackled, then cleared his throat. “Seriously though, just call me Frawg. The señor part makes me sound like an uncle that nobody in the family ever talks about cause he’s a weirdo or something.” 

Candace screamed at the top of her lungs, shattering all the glass in the state of Missouri and causing the glassblower shops in the area to go out of business. 


	2. PART 2: THE MEAP FACTOR

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WE NOW RETURN TO: THE CHRONICLES OF MEAP: EPISODE 42: MEAP ME IN ST. LOUIS
> 
> WE DEEPLY APOLOGIZE FOR THE HIATUS BUT HEY THAT’S JUST THE NORM THESE DAYS AIN’T IT?

“OKAY! THAT’S ENOUGH! YOU’RE GONNA BURST ALL OUR SEAMS AT THIS RATE!” Frawg screeched over Candace’s continued scream. 

And great giant toy shop in the sky did she have a large lung capacity. 

Candace’s voice faded away, and she coughed to clear her throat. “Sorry, I was expecting my kidnapper to be-” 

“Human?” Frawg supplied. 

She shook her head. “Less ugly.” 

Frawg glared at her as he dragged himself onto the table. Then he stomped over to Candace and jabbed a plush, stumpy arm in her face. Candace wondered if she was supposed to take that as a threatening gesture. 

“You created me, then threw me away. Was it because I’m not as stupidly lovable as your beloved Ducky Momo? Or Mr. Miggins, who’s in worse shape than even me?” 

Candace scooted her chair out of range, wrinkling her nose in disgust. “Hey, for your information, I’ve had Mr. Miggins since I was a toddler. It’s only natural that he’s a little beaten up. Besides, he was good for kissing practice.” 

The seams across Frawg’s face stretched into a hideous frown. “I’m going to pretend that last statement didn’t hurt my self-esteem. But let’s get back to business. I’m sure you have a lot of questions.” 

Candace shrugged. “Nope. Got nothing.” 

“Really? Nothing at all?” Frawg pressed. “Not even to ask how I’m alive or anything?” 

“Okay, maybe that one,” Candace said. She just needed to delay him long enough so she could hightail it out of this weird place and find some cell service. What kind of sick creature didn’t put wifi into his own building anyway? 

“It started when you ordered me for ten dollars off the Internet,” Frawg said. “I was produced and stuffed on my home planet, then shipped to your house. Then you threw me away and replaced me with  _him_.” He gestured angrily to Meap, who guarded the door with a vacant expression on his face. “On that day, I swore to get my revenge.” 

Candace stood up and walked away while he poured out his heart in a frankly not-so-dramatic backstory. Meap made no move to stop her from unlatching the safety gate. Just her luck that his office was on the top floor. 

She turned into a right corridor that she hoped would lead her to an elevator. Strangely, someone had taped a router to the wall with a large red arrow pointing directly to the switch. 

Candace stared up at the huge sign above her. “’Free wifi. Totally not a trap,’” she sighed, then flipped the switch. “Curse them for appealing to my nature as a teenage girl.” 

A loud siren blared through the building, and she yelped and covered her ears. A swarm of Bango-Rus surrounded her, some looking as if they’d stepped out of their catchy infomercial while others appeared to be missing seams, eyes, and limbs. 

Frawg laughed, pushing his way through the crowd. Meap followed behind him, vacantly staring ahead. Frawg said something that Candace couldn’t make out. She cupped her hand over her ear. 

Frawg turned to the elephant-bee next to him, pointing up at the switch. One of his eyes bulged out a little more when the elephant-bee didn’t seem to understand his order. Frawg shook one of his stumps at the elephant-bee in what was either supposed to be a threat or a hug request. 

Candace couldn’t really tell the difference. 

The elephant-bee quickly nodded, then gestured for several more Bango-Rus to form a stuffed animal ladder. He climbed up and hit the switch. 

“Ah man, I was so close,” she lamented as the bars were quickly replaced by a no service icon. 

“That could’ve ended in disaster!” Frawg declared. “But you’re within my clutches, and you cannot escape your fate now! Mwahahahaha! And I see you’ve met my entire Bango-Ru army! They’re all loyal to me! You stand no chance!” 

“What about Bunny-Bear?” the elephant-bee asked. “She never showed up.” 

Frawg coughed. “Ah, yes. I’m sure she had prior engagements. Don’t move, I haven’t explained my plan for you yet. I’m just going to make a quick call. Everyone quiet!” 

Candace wondered if all small creatures had pocket dimensions behind their backs to store items. It was definitely more convenient than a purse. 

“Wait, why do you get reception?” one of the Bango-Rus shouted. 

“Because I was smart enough to pay for the universal plan before I set foot on this miserable rock!” Frawg yelled back. “Now shut up!” 

* * *

“St. Louis?” Stacy glanced at Bunny-Bear’s phone in confusion.

Bunny-Bear groaned. “I think I like, have some idea of which lame-o it is. Fork it here.” 

Stacy handed the phone to Bunny-Bear, though she wasn’t sure how the alien/stuffed toy/valley girl managed to hold it without fingers. 

“Yo Frogface, how many times do I like, have to tell you to quit ruining my vibes?” Bunny-Bear complained. “Fine, waste your time on like, your lame-o evil plan. Just leave me alone. Toodles.” 

She dropped the phone on the bed, flopping into a pillow. “This is exactly why Lizzie broke up with him,” Bunny-Bear sighed. “Like, where was I in the story again?” 

“You were on the part about being originally produced to conquer the Earth with the power of cuteness,” Stacy supplied. 

“Oh right,” Bunny-Bear said. “So like I was saying, we’re stuffed in a factory after a computer processes an earthling’s order. And like, I think Frogface’s stuffing got scrambled somewhere on the assembly line…..” 

* * *

“Okay, so she’s a little headstrong,” Frawg shrugged. “No matter, I’m still going to marry and dispose of you.” 

“What?” Candace yelped. “You can’t do that! I was going to date Jeremy throughout high school and college and then we’d get married and have two kids, Xavier and Amanda.”

Frawg pointed to Meap. “This Jeremy could pose a threat. Keep an eye out for him and make sure none of those other children interfere. The rest of you, begin the preparations at once!” 

Meap saluted and left, his dazed expression never wavering. 

Candace was dragged away by several Bango-Rus as Frawg laughed. 

They led her to an empty room, locking the door once she was settled at the single mirror. “So we have an off white patchwork or a gray patchwork dress,” a fox-zebra hybrid said. “Take your pick.” 

“C’mon guys, where are you?” Candace muttered. “Hope Phineas and Ferb will leave the actual saving part to Jeremy. More romantic that way.”

* * *

“Any sign of Candace yet?” Phineas shouted up to Buford, who was strapped to a glider above their speedboat. 

“I’ve spotted five hot dog stands and a fudge shop, but other than that, I got nothing!” Buford yelled back. “This is what you get for not letting me finish my birthday cake!. Now I can’t focus at all.” 

Baljeet dodged a rock that jutted out of the water, narrowly avoiding getting one of his skis knocked off. “Pay attention up there!” he shouted. “I promise I will buy you any food of your choosing if you can just focus!” 

Buford tapped his chin in thought. “My weaknesses are monetary and food bribes. You got me.” 

The cuteness tracker beeped several times, and everyone on the boat crowded around it. 

“I thought you said it wouldn’t go off around the girls,” Jeremy said, quickly grabbing Suzy’s life jacket before she toppled overboard from leaning out too far. 

“That signal’s not coming from anyone on the boat,” Isabella noted. “I think something’s above us.” 

“Guys, there’s something weird on the arch! It’s like a pink toy with creepy blue eyes. Ugh. Those eyes don’t look proportionate to its head at all,” Buford grimaced. 

“That’s not a toy!” Phineas exclaimed. “That’s Meap! Hey, Meap! Down here!” 

In response, Meap shot a concentrated rainbow beam at them, sending a geyser of water sky high. 


	3. PART 3: SPEAK NOW OR FOREVER HOLD YOUR MEAP

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WE HAVE LEFT OUR HEROES IN A PERILOUS SITUATION. CANDACE IS MARRYING FRAWG AND MEAP HAS TURNED TO THE DARK SIDE. WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT? WILL PHINEAS AND FERB SAVE THEIR SIS FROM A LIFETIME OF BEING MARRIED TO UGLY ALIENS? IS ST. LOUIS’S PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION MAGIC? WILL I EVER CUT TO THE CHASE AND-OKAY, YOU GET THE IDEA. BACK TO THE STORY.

Ferb spun the wheel wildly, and the front suddenly made a sharp turn to the left. Unfortunately, the force snapped the cords that tied Baljeet and Buford to the boat. Baljeet faceplanted into the water, while Buford plummeted several feet. Since he wasn’t high enough for a water landing to hurt, Buford easily made a cannonball into the river and resurfaced next to Baljeet. 

“Go! Leave us and save yourselves!” Baljeet wailed. 

“I think his brain is on the fritz! Pick us up!” Buford shouted, grabbing Baljeet and diving again to avoid another rainbow blast. 

Turning around was proving to be difficult since Meap had gone into machine gun mode with his rainbows. Despite being in a life or death situation, Phineas thought the ability was pretty amazing.

Then the boat came to a complete stop. 

“We ran out of fuel!” Isabella shouted after a quick check to the gauge. “You got any alternate power sources?” 

Ferb held up a device with a miniature solar panel attached to it. He opened up a side panel to expose the wires of the boat. 

“Uh, guys? Big problem!” Jeremy yelled, pointing to to the Arch. He cradled Suzy in his arms, one foot on the edge as he prepared to abandon ship. Meap’s head was tilted back, his eyes closed. The interior of his mouth glowed with all the colors in the spectrum as he prepared a heavily concentrated beam to blast them into smithereens. 

Phineas, Ferb, and Isabella jumped as well, swimming away as quickly as they could from the soon-to-be wreckage. As he paddled over to Buford and Baljeet, Phineas caught a glimpse of something large and fast-moving swooshing through the sky. The wind knocked Meap off balance, and the supercharged rainbow fired harmlessly into the atmosphere. 

As Meap fell from the Arch, a green plasma-like substance enveloped and suspended him in midair. A ship slowed down and descended, the green bubble that held Meap trailing behind it. 

Phineas recognized that spaceship. 

“Guys, careful! That ship belongs to-” 

 _“He’s Witch! But some people call him Big Witch! And we wanted to use a different word but the author would need to change the rating on the fanfic first!”_ A male chorus sang from somewhere.

“You heard that, right? It wasn’t just me?” Buford asked. 

A metallic slope opened, and a large alien descended from his ship, grumbling all the way down. “That’s it! I’m using all you mutinying robots for common appliances! Sing it right if you don’t want to be boiled back into your base components!” 

“ _He’s Mitch! But some people call him Big Mitch_!” the male chorus repeated, their voices quivering in fear. 

“That’s better,” Mitch said. 

“Careful guys, he’s a galactic evildoer who poaches other aliens from their homes!” Isabella cautioned. “We’ve faced off with him twice before!” 

“His mortal enemy is Meap,” Phineas added as they swam over to the shore. “Since they hail from a planet where the judicial system can only give fifteen minute timeouts, he bounces back pretty quickly.” 

Buford pounded his fists the moment they reached the bank. “I don’t care if this guy is a planetary or galactic conqueror. If he tries to poach Tristan, his wedgie will be on the tip of a rocket.” 

“Why do you always assume I’m out doing something illegal?” Mitch protested. “Jeez, can’t a guy collect rent from a tenant from a structurally unstable building in this quadrant of the universe while his nemesis gets thrown into a pit of venomous snakes on a ship?”  

They stared at him. 

Mitch coughed. “Okay, so causing bodily injury to an intergalactic agent is illegal, but you wanna know what’s even worse than that? My tenant being three months on rent. So much illegal technology to acquire on the black market, so little time.” 

Buford put a hand up to his mouth, leaning by Phineas’ ear. “He’s also mad about Meap being mind controlled by someone other than him. Dude’s got a really bad I’m-the-only-one-allowed-to-defeat-you complex.” 

“I have ears you know!” Mitch yelled. “Granted, they aren’t visible, but that’s beside the point! And you annoying brats brainwashed Meap! Have you no respect for the laws of galactic villainy?” He tapped several buttons in a console built into his glove and a laser popped out of the spaceship, pointing directly at the group. “Either surrender your mind control device to me, or suffer the consequences.” 

Baljeet opened his mouth to protest, but Isabella stepped in front of him. The cuteness tracker beeped uncontrollably and short-circuited the moment she turned on the puppy-dog eyes. “Would a really cute and innocent creature like me have the ability to stoop so low?” she asked, clasping her hands next to her heart for added effect. 

Mitch suddenly looked uncomfortable. “Well, your friends there could’ve done it.” 

Isabella whimpered cutely. “But they’re my friends! None of them could do something so awful either!” 

“Ugh, you may have won this round with your puppy-dog eyes, but someday I’ll destroy you,” Mitch muttered, tapping one more button to retract the laser beam. 

“Nice charm, Isabella,” Phineas said. 

Isabella’s eyes immediately glazed over. 

“She’s gonna be like this for a while,” Baljeet sighed. 

* * *

 

In the end, Candace had gone for the off-white patchwork dress. During the half-hour she’d been holed up, she’d gotten to know her two bridesmaids pretty well. When Frawg wasn’t bossing them around, they acted just like normal teenage girls. 

“I’m not really interested in taking over the world,” the fox-zebra admitted. “Earth media is really fascinating.” 

“Oh, have you tried Ducky Momo yet?” Candace asked, turning her head and accidentally undoing a complex braid the mouse-chinchilla had been working on. “The target demographic is for young children, but I still like it.”  

“Oh, I’m more into mystery and adventure than slice of life,” the fox-zebra said. “Dr. Zone is my favorite franchise of all time! I identify very strongly with Ruby Redwood, since she’s an alien fox who grew beyond her original programming and found her place on earth with a Shinto priestess.” 

“That’s cool!” Candace exclaimed. “My brothers like that show, but it’s not really my thing.” 

“ _Attention everyone_ ,” a voice said. “ _The ceremony will begin in twenty minutes. Please make your way downstairs now.”_

“Yay,” Candace muttered. 

* * *

 

Meap was brought into the ship at Isabella’s request once she snapped out of wherever her mind had been. To avoid wanton destruction, they kept him in the suspension bubble. Mitch pulled up a file of the tenant he’d mentioned. 

“Señor Frawg,” Mitch growled, slamming his fist against the dashboard. “My home planet has a restraining order against him for being that ugly. He owes me at least a thousand units, not counting my penalty for late payments. As if that wasn’t bad enough, one lick and you’re his puppet.” 

“Wait, is that what happened to Meap?” Phineas asked. 

“Now that you mention it, I do see some green residue on his face,” Baljeet noted. “My guess is dried saliva.” 

“Ewwww!” Suzy squealed.

“Meh, fly guts is a grosser fluid than saliva,” Baljeet shrugged. “If we can just clean the fluid off, we can probably free him from the mind control.” 

“Here, I always carry a few hand towels on me,” Jeremy said, pulling several squares of cloth out of his pocket. “They’re good when you’ve got a mischievous sister, that’s for sure.” 

“Yeah, I’m not touching him. Who knows where’s he’s been,” Mitch said, pushing the offered towel away. “I’ll free him from suspension, so one of you better be good at wrestling him down or you’ll be paying for damages to the ship.”  

Buford cracked his knuckles. “Ready when you are.”

Mitch pulled a lever, and the suspension bubble dissipated. Buford tackled Meap, holding him to the floor. Meap thrashed in his grip and kicked out with stubby legs. Then Jeremy rushed forwards and wiped away the dried saliva, grabbing Meap’s head to stop him from turning. 

Finally, Meap let out a high-pitched cough and pulled a translator mustache from...somewhere. 

“Children, I can’t thank you enough for freeing me from that Frawg’s evil clutches!” Meap exclaimed. “Now we must be on our way because Candace is about to be married to him!” 

“Wait, really?” Suzy gasped. Her gaze flitted around the ship, as if she had just done something naughty and hoped nobody was paying attention. 

“I knew it! I knew she’s evil!” Buford screeched, picking up Baljeet to use him as a meat shield. “She had one of those smug little smirks on her face!” 

Baljeet rolled his eyes. “You do realize she’s four and probably doesn’t understand the gravity of this situation.” 

“She understands more than you think,” Buford whispered ominously. 

“Set a course for Frawg’s hideout at once!” Meap ordered. The lights flickered as the ship’s engine roared to life. 

“My ship. My orders,” Mitch grumbled. “But yeah, set a course.” 

* * *

 

When Candace had envisioned her wedding day, the flowers would have been red and white roses and Love Handel music would be playing softly in the background. More importantly, she was marrying Jeremy and not an alien with extreme self-esteem issues. 

Instead, she held dead, crackling dandelions and several Bango-Rus were attempting to play the typical ‘Here Comes the Bride’ march on an organ. Apparently, their species was really tone-deaf. 

And giant Bango-Ru balloons had no place at any wedding.  

She deliberately took small steps down the aisle, hoping to delay long enough for the cavalry to arrive. Several Bango-Rus in the audience gave her looks of pity. 

“I’m only pledging the rest of my life to a repulsive Lovecraftian amphibian-bovine hybrid. What could possibly go wrong?” Candace murmured, wincing slightly. “Okay, I’m bad at reassuring myself.”

Unfortunately, she made it down to the Bango-Ru booth. Frawg straightened his sickly yellow bowtie that belonged more on a game show host than a groom. He smirked at her, his tongue hanging out lopsidedly. 

A plain garbage can was set next to her.

“Guess where you’ll be going,” Frawg giggled. 

The officiant was a seal-pig Bango-Ru with a large slash mark down his chubby belly. It took several other Bango-Rus to haul him up to the podium. And all he did was snort. 

Great. She couldn’t even understand the ceremony. Frawg beamed next to her. Candace rolled her eyes. He was way too excited about his evil plans. 

Then there was a loud creak from the back, which dispelled the boredom that had settled on almost everybody. The doors swung open, and Candace’s heart threatened to pound out of her chest because Jeremy Johnson looked incredibly cute in a formal suit.

“As a matter of fact, I object to this union,” Jeremy said as he walked down the aisle and put himself between Candace and Frawg. 

Candace nearly swooned right there. Her boyfriend was so protective, it was adorable! 

“Hey, are my brothers with you?” Candace asked. 

Jeremy nodded. “Yeah, they rigged up a teleporter and got us here. We brought Suzy along too.” 

Candace forced a smile through, though she was certain that Suzy would do everything in her power to marry her off to Frawg in order to have Jeremy for herself.  

Frawg’s eyes bulged out of their sockets in anger. “Who told you my location?”  

“I did!” Meap proclaimed. His eyes were focused and bright, free from any of Frawg’s horrible mind control powers. Phineas, Ferb, and their friends rallied behind him, while little Suzy poked her head around the doors. 

“Mitch was supposed to be here as well, but I think he got preoccupied with finding a parking spot for the spaceship,” Phineas said. 

* * *

 

“That’ll be one ticket for illegal parking, one for improper license plates, four for crushing people’s cars, one for the illegal warp speed boosters, one for wearing edgy clothing on a Friday, and two for every robot you have currently pointing their lasers in my face,” the police officer said, leaving Mitch and his ship completely plastered with tickets. 

“Yes! All those other buffoons on the villain leaderboard can crawl to mommy, for I have written proof of my misdeeds today! They’ll be so jealous!” Mitch cheered. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some rent money I need to throttle out of my tenant.” 

The officer clicked her pen and jotted another ticket down. “I’ll put another one down for threatening another individual.” 

“Great! Just write up as much illegal stuff as you can and stick it on the ship!” Mitch called over his shoulder as he and his robots marched off to shake Frawg out of his late payments. 

* * *

 

“Froggy!” Suzy squealed, rushing up to Frawg and hugging him. 

The Bango-Rus let out gasps of shock, though none of them raised a stumpy arm to help their boss. 

Jeremy quickly separated Suzy and Frawg, throwing the latter against the wall to stun him while he checked over Suzy. “Suzy! Are you okay?” he asked, clutching her shoulders. “Don’t hug random toys you see! What if they-” the end of his sentence was cut off with a gasp. 

He gasped and stumbled back as Frawg laughed mockingly. “BWAHAHA! YOUR PRECIOUS SISTER IS UNDER MY COMMAND!” Suzy turned to Candace with a blank expression. Her right cheek was covered in flecks of shiny green saliva.

“You scoundrel!” Meap shouted, shooting a rainbow beam from his mouth. Frawg rolled to the side, the wall behind him fried to a crisp.

“Pignose! I order you to get rid of that traitor!” Frawg commanded, pointing to Meap. “Candace Flynn-Fletcher, prepare for disposal!”

Several Bango-Rus swarmed her, pushing her gradually towards the trash can. The other audience members surrounded Phineas and his friends to prevent them from getting to Candace. Meap’s translation mustache fell off as he bounced from giant balloon to giant balloon, dodging all of Suzy’s kicks. She bellowed a war cry as she launched herself at Meap.

“If she wasn’t such a wolf in sheep’s clothing, I’d bet that would be the cutest fight ever between an alien and kid,” Buford commented as he punched a rooster-monkey Bango-Ru away. Three more quickly took its place.

“There’s too many of them!” Isabella yelled. 

Frawg smiled as the lid was taken off the garbage can. Candace peered into it, her heart pounding in anticipation....

And it was completely empty.  

Candace blinked a few times, just in case it was her mind convincing her that she wasn’t about to stand in a pile of slop and banana peels. 

Nope, definitely empty. 

“You wasted my entire afternoon for this?” Candace muttered. She could’ve been enjoying cake with her boyfriend! 

“Feeling humiliated?” Frawg mocked. “You held no remorse about throwing me in the trash the moment you laid eyes on something cuter!” 

“In my defense, I thought you were a stuffed animal!” Candace protested. “How was I supposed to know I tossed out a living creature?” Then her eyes widened. “Wait, stuffed animals! That’s it!” 

“What, are we tossing stuffing at them?” Buford yelled. 

“No, we toss love!” Candace exclaimed. She opened her arms. “Who wants a hug?” 

The Bango-Rus trying to push her into the garbage can knocked her down as they clamored for a hug. Candace laughed as one latched onto her neck and nestled under her chin.

Everyone followed her lead and grabbed as many Bango-Rus as they could fit against their bodies. The ones that weren’t grabbed pounced eagerly upon the cuddle pile. 

“NO! FOOLS! ATTACK! WHY IS THE LITTLE GIRL THE ONLY ONE WHO KNOWS HOW TO FOLLOW ORDERS?” Frawg screeched, clutching his head as his evil scheme fell apart at the seams. 

Jeremy grinned. “Suzy, would you like a hug too?” he shouted. As he called out to her, Suzy lost her balance on the edge of a balloon. Meap dove after her, grabbing her small body and shooting a rainbow at the floor to slow their descent. 

As soon as they were safely on the ground, Jeremy wiped the saliva off Suzy’s face with a hand towel, cradling her the entire time.

Candace could only think about how good he would be with Xavier and Amanda later on. 

“I love you!” Suzy exclaimed once Jeremy finished cleaning her face. 

“I love you too, Suzy,” Jeremy whispered. 

Buford rolled his eyes. “Okay, okay, this is touching and all but can we go now? Aren’t you guys supposed to pay attention to the birthday boy? If I wait any longer on opening my presents, I’m gonna burst.”

“What are we gonna do with Frawg though?” Isabella asked. They sent looks of pity toward Frawg, who raved to himself about his plan failing. 

“Relax, we got this,” one of the Bango-Rus said. Frawg failed to notice his former minions sneaking up on him. They grabbed his limbs and threw him into the garbage can. He landed with a dull thud, and Candace placed the lid over the opening. 

“Yeah, I’m not dealing with him anymore,” Candace said. “Let’s go home.” 

Before Ferb could activate the teleporter, another wall burst open. 

“AHA! AT LAST, I HAVE YOU WITHIN MY-” Mitch paused. “....blast, I missed all the action, didn’t I?” 

“Afraid so,” Buford said. “Frawg is in that trash can by the way. You can have him.” 

“Oh,” Mitch said, looking rather embarrassed. “Well. This is anticlimactic. Bots, grab that trash can. We’ll be on our way, I guess.” 

His robot army lifted the trash can and they promptly left. 

“Don’t worry, children,” Meap said as he fixed his translator mustache. “I’ll make sure Frawg is safe behind bars after he coughs up that rent to Mitch.” 

* * *

 

“Jeremy, I’m going to the bathroom! May I please have animal crackers for my snack?” Suzy begged, turning the largest blue eyes she could muster on her older brother. 

Jeremy laughed and paused the cartoon they’d been watching. “Sure, you do that and I’ll grab a pack for you.” 

“Thank you!” Suzy squealed, rushing off to the bathroom with her poodle trotting obediently at her heels. She shut the door and locked it, then washed her face to get rid of the last few spots of saliva that Jeremy had missed. 

“I only let Frawg lick me so they’d think I was mind controlled,” Suzy said quietly, rubbing her hands together like a bona fide villain. “His powers don’t work on people with the same goals as him. I’ll just have to find another way to have Jeremy for myself....” 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> STAY TUNED FOR SCENES OF THE NEXT EPISODE....


	4. Credits

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AND NOW FOR A SEQUEL THE AUTHOR HAS NO PLANS TO MAKE BECAUSE SHE’S BACKLOADED WITH OTHER MULTICHAPTERS.

“Possession of platypi is illegal on this planet. Come out with your hands up!” 

“Wait, Balloony’s alive?” 

“Now we can run away to my rainbow kingdom!” 

“They plan on taking Mom at her knitting club. Let’s suit up and foil them.” 

“Yeah, I wanted to be a ballerina too. Then I took a pulled tendon to the knee.” 

“All your gold-plated cutlery will be mine!” 

_THE CHRONICLES OF MEAP_

_EPISODE 76: BEVERLY HILLS MEAP_

“Wait, wasn’t the ‘Ferb, aren’t those extinct?’ line supposed to be in this one? Why do you always put the best content in trailers only to cut them out of the episode? The Chronicles of Meap series will hear from me on my blog!” 


End file.
